I need to mention a few things that my good friends have suggested...
1. In no way did I mean to diminish the work that homemakers do, if anything their work is far more hard. They really do have full-time jobs, and then some. Studies have shown that homemakers have the stress of someone working 2 full time jobs! That is amazing, admirable, and commendable.
2. I'm not trying to judge any position that anyone else is in; nor do I want other people to judge the choice that I am making. Every family is different, and situations demand change for every family.
3. The LDS church has no official position about whether women should work or not - this is something we discussed in my class. The only thing that is said in the proclamation is "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.".
I highlight the last sentence, because I think all too often in families, responsibilities are divided - the man does this, and the woman does that. But above all, men and women are partners.
In my last blog, I meant to ask what people's opinions were regarding motherhood - should mothers work or not? Now, I'm going to give my own opinion:
I think, like everything, all good comes with moderation, and I believe this is the case with motherhood. If someone were to devote their entire lives to their kids, they might find that they had no identity. If someone were to devote their whole lives to their career, the kids would suffer.
I want to be a stay-at-home mom, but I feel as if I do, I would fall into depression if I didn't have anything else outside of the home for myself. Therefor, I feel as if working part-time is the best thing for me and my family.
Feel free to leave your comments about your own opinions (after all, everyone is different, and I don't think there is one "right" answer), but leave your judgments at the door.
I'll admit it's hard. In the beginning, I might as well have been a robot. The transition into motherhood is HARD. But I can't even imagine working even just part time. There are so many things I'd hate to miss out on. I can honestly say that I love being a mom and nothing could be better. The church DOES have a stance on being stay at home moms. There are several talks where General Authorities have said that husbands should not encourage their wives to work outside the home if they can avoid it. (I went through major post partum depression and looked those up to give me a boost some days.)
ReplyDeleteHowever, I know everyone is different and some women are better mothers when they have that break.
I really admire you being a stay-at-home mother. I can't even imgaine what a transition that must have been!
ReplyDeleteIn my class (At BYU, mind you), we saw that throughout the decades the advice from general authorities has changed, however, at the moment there is no official standpoint other than that there will be differences in every circumstance. Studies done found that LDS women were generally confused as to exactly what General Authorities advised because of this reason.
Amber - I hope you don't feel like I was judging you in my comment on your last post. My "I hope you're happy with your decision." was not sarcastic or wary in any manner - it was sincere. Sometimes that is hard to get across in writing.
ReplyDeleteBut, to continue the discussion:
I do believe that women should be the ones to stay at home with the children. In high school, I did a research paper on this very topic. I found that marriage relationships where the woman stayed at home and the man worked were the happiest because there wasn't competition with the different realms. I believe women - more than men - do have the primary (but not sole) responsibility of nurturing the children. And because of their unique spiritual feminine gifts, they are more adept at it too.
Personally, I don't believe the specification of "equal partners" means that both take half of each others responsibilities. I think that means that both respect and revere each other in their own callings, and that both help the other be successful in them how they can. That can mean different things.
While the church position may not be "official", I think it is very clear what the church strongly encourages - and that is that women be the primary caretakers wherever possible.
On the other hand - I had a BYU professor who has (8?) children now. She told us a story about how one day, she had a stack of talks in her mailbox. And every instance where the general authority had said, "Women should stay at home with their children" was highlighted and underlined. But, instead of getting offended she read through every talk completely and only felt more uplifted and sure of her decision to work part-time as a professor afterwards. So, is it possible to follow church counsel and break the stay at home mother mold? Sure. But, it should be a decision that is made very carefully and thoughtfully.
I would also like to add that I do think there are other ways of keeping you identity intact than earning an income outside the home (not that that can't one meaningful way to do it too.) And, being a mother may be one way a woman finds her identity. Just a couple more musings to consider.
God gave us minds and agency. The choices are ours to make. We have modern general authorities who give lots of counsel, ancient scripture, and personal revelation to guide us. If we feel comfortable with the counsel we receive in each area when considering our life choices, then we shouldn't feel ashamed of them.
So to make a very long answer short - Yes. I believe women should stay at home with their children. But, we have agency and revelation to make changes if need be and that would override the general counsel I feel is given by the church.
Wow that was long. I wish I could just talk with you in person about this! Haha.
"First, no woman should ever feel the need to apologize or feel that her contribution is less significant because she is devoting her primary efforts to raising and nurturing children. Nothing could be more significant in our Father in Heaven’s plan. Second, we should all be careful not to be judgmental or assume that sisters are less valiant if the decision is made to work outside the home. We rarely understand or fully appreciate people’s circumstances." - Quentin L. Cook, 2010.
ReplyDeleteThere have been many talks in the past about women staying home, but currently there is no official statement about whether or not women should work - only counsel about women working for selfish reasons, such as to make more unnecessary money.
For myself, I wish to work so that I can help others (through counseling), which in return, helps myself to have an identity outside of the home. I would never encourage or wish to work for reasons to "just contribute income".
We really should talk in person about this! :)
I what Elder Cook was warning against is a division that sometimes takes place between working moms and full-time homemakers. Full-time homemakers sometimes assume that college education--especially graduate school--only exists to improve your career, which can only distract from being a mother. Working moms can also assume that intelligence is essential to motherhood, and that formal work and education is necessary for anyone to develop intelligence and self-confidence.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that many working moms work full-time to support an unnecessary standard of living, and I'm sure many full-time homemakers don't develop their minds. But most people work hard towards some kind of balance, which is why I think the Church's leaders have become more careful in their comments. We are also taught to look to the Church for general principles, pray for personal revelation, and make our own decisions, for which we will answer to God.
That's why I think D&C 121 emphasizes "kindness and pure knowledge" rather than judgment or criticism... the Lord could use us to reveal something to a friend, but it's usually a general principle that they incorporate into what they already know.
^Olorin is Michael BTW. :D
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that BYU may seem like it tends towards the 1950's, but that sure wasn't my experience. I'm planning to get my bachelor's even after getting married and having a kid, but I haven't gotten this "You should stay home." attitude from anyone. I've most definitely gotten the "Oh, you aren't going to grad school?" "Oh you're just staying home?" "Well, when you do go back to school what will your master's be in?" "Oh, so you're just staying home then... So Michael..." "Well at least you're getting your bachelor's."
I think I've had one professor that applauded the fact that I was starting my family, but he was a school of family life teacher, so it's kind of his job. Though I was grateful for him. :D
I think true feminism comes from letting the woman decide for herself, and not making her feel like a complete failure for not going to work or making her feel like a complete failure for not staying home. Because in the end, with that being the standard, you're just a failure because you are a woman, and that's back to square one. Feminism shouldn't be pitting women against women. That kind of defeats the purpose in my opinion.
Thanks for your input, Michael and Nikki. :) I always appreciate what you both have to say!
ReplyDeleteMichael - Thank you so much for that scripture. I worry that people thought I was attacking stay-at-home moms, when really, I was only trying to defend my own position and show that I am no less of a mother for choosing to work part-time outside of the home.
Nikki - I've noticed that a lot in the psychology department, but I will admit that I think our department is more liberal by nature. I have seen many girls who originally plan to get their master's, and then drop out of college as soon as they're married, only to find that a short few months later they grow bored with or regret their choice. They may be much more few and far between, but the fact that this happens at all shocks me.
and let me just say that I think you're amazing for continuing to work towards graduating while having Joshua. I can't even imagine trying to do that!