today, my baby ordered porn.

Maddie was playing around with the TV remote today while I was making her a snack in the kitchen. All of a sudden, I hear the TV making weird moaning noises, when I walk in and see a PPV porno playing on the TV. I laughed, turned it off, and gave her a snack, being more concerned about the upcoming bill than my one year old being exposed to 30 seconds of women making out together.

Later that day I took maddie swimming. She's seriously an awesome swimmer, and I've even got her semi-dog paddling towards the wall when I ask her to. (this is what happens when your mom used to teach swim lessons to toddlers - she forces you in the pool and dunks you underwater before you're even aware of how to use your arms.)

A woman came up to me and said, "Oh, I LOVE your daughter's swimsuit!"
"Thank you," I said, very pleased with myself. There really is nothing cuter than babies and swimsuits. There's something about how their bellies stick out and they waddle around that swimsuits make them look even cuter.
"I just love that swimsuit," she continued, "it's so sexy. What a sexy baby."

WHAAAAT? Did this woman seriously just call my one-year-old sexy? I didn't know whether to laugh or run away yelling, "pedophile in the pool!"
I was really tempted to say "huh, it must have been from all that porn she watched this morning."

Instead I just laughed and said "ha, I didn't think babies could be sexy..." and swam away.

The moral of the lesson is that parenting can be really weird. And don't buy adorable swimsuits for your children, because then the weirdos will come out and talk to you about them.

Maternal Instinct

I keep hearing stories about mothers who would KILL for their babies. And when telling me about that instinct, they always say it as if they need to announce a threat to me and anyone nearby who is even thinking about hurting their children.

This picture has nothing to do with the story, I just figured you would need
a picture of a cute baby to distract you from how scary my story is. 

so when madison was born, I waited to feel the same way. and it didn't happen. until tonight. 

Our apartment complex is really lovely... during the day. But it's not exactly known for being crime free. Cop cars will even drive by every few hours just to send a message to everyone in the complex. 

So when my back door started creeping open, I was convinced someone was breaking in. and I played out the scenario in my head: 

1. Push sleeping madison in her bouncy chair as far away as possible. 

2. grab phone, pre-dial 911. 

3. call buddy to serve his purpose in life and be a surprisingly ferocious guard dog. 

4. grab giant butcher knife. 

5. approach door. 

I'm still not entirely convinced that it was the wind, because what wind opens doors? But by the time Buddy and I, and the phone and the knife reached the back door, no one was there. Then I felt compelled to yell out "Gee, buddy, good thing no one was here, or I would have STABBED them!" 

I think the mama bear instinct is alive and well. 

ps - I accidentally dialed 911, and hung up right away. Then they called back asking repetitively if I was being held hostage. embarrassing. at least I know in the future if I'm ever held hostage that I can call 911 and hang up right away.