Running on fumes.

I have been feeling pretty down lately. Part of that was a stomach flu that I caught at work. That literally brought me down... to my knees... in front of a toilet. blehk.

But honestly, I am reaching the end of my "how does she do it all" energy pool. And by that, I mean that I have been really motivated all year long to go to school, do research, work a part-time job, and be a stay at home mom.

But I'm reaching my limit.

So many people have told me that they admire me for everything that I do, and look up to me.

Please, don't. 

What you don't get to see are the hours I've spent crying because I have so much to do and so little time to do it. The guilt that I have felt that instead of enjoying my time at home with maddie, I spend it fighting falling asleep while playing with her, or bouncing her in my lap while typing up research papers. You don't get to see me driving to work fighting back hot tears because I'll be spending another weekend with other children than my own, or the times I have called Jeff and pleaded with him to have lunch at home instead of at work because I have only ever gotten to see him in passing. 

So yeah. I'm a little tired. I'm running on fumes.

But I also know that this guilt I feel is felt by pretty much all women. I guess I just needed to tell you that my energy isn't endless, and my life isn't perfect. It's just easier to post about the good stuff on facebook than it is the bad.

And I need maddie to know that I am really sorry for how many times I have stuck her in front of the TV to go escape and take a shower. I hope that you know, my maddie bear, that if you aren't potty trained by two, know your ABCs, or the difference between a circle and a square, it won't be because you're not incredibly smart, because you are. It's just because your mom and dad are busy sacrificing so that we can hope to give you a better future.

and now I have to go, because while I was attempting to pour myself a bowl of cereal, you, my sweet daughter, managed to poop on my couch.