today, my baby ordered porn.

Maddie was playing around with the TV remote today while I was making her a snack in the kitchen. All of a sudden, I hear the TV making weird moaning noises, when I walk in and see a PPV porno playing on the TV. I laughed, turned it off, and gave her a snack, being more concerned about the upcoming bill than my one year old being exposed to 30 seconds of women making out together.

Later that day I took maddie swimming. She's seriously an awesome swimmer, and I've even got her semi-dog paddling towards the wall when I ask her to. (this is what happens when your mom used to teach swim lessons to toddlers - she forces you in the pool and dunks you underwater before you're even aware of how to use your arms.)

A woman came up to me and said, "Oh, I LOVE your daughter's swimsuit!"
"Thank you," I said, very pleased with myself. There really is nothing cuter than babies and swimsuits. There's something about how their bellies stick out and they waddle around that swimsuits make them look even cuter.
"I just love that swimsuit," she continued, "it's so sexy. What a sexy baby."

WHAAAAT? Did this woman seriously just call my one-year-old sexy? I didn't know whether to laugh or run away yelling, "pedophile in the pool!"
I was really tempted to say "huh, it must have been from all that porn she watched this morning."

Instead I just laughed and said "ha, I didn't think babies could be sexy..." and swam away.

The moral of the lesson is that parenting can be really weird. And don't buy adorable swimsuits for your children, because then the weirdos will come out and talk to you about them.