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| happy ignorance before the procedure. |
Jeff described it to me, that the doctors went to push on my stomach to turn Maddie, and my stomach went from a nice, round pregnancy bump, to a tiny, cramped space. He could physically see my contractions forming to madison.
Once they realized that it wasn't going to work, they stopped pushing on my belly, and turned to me and said "good job", and I just started sobbing. It was so embarassing. Not from the pain - but from all the guilt I've been feeling.
I just feel like it's my fault that she turned breech because I took on too much stress in the past month... my fault that she hasn't flipped yet because I haven't been stretching/swimming or doing enough headstands. And it's my fault that the version didn't work because I couldn't breathe through my contractions and make my body relax for the doctors.
I guess this is what being a mom is like. Lots of guilt and worry.
*I would like to add that Jeff and I both are coming to terms with accepting everything and just trying to go with the flow. Madison is still very healthy, and we will be happy no matter how she decides to arrive in the world. We're appreciative of all the love and support and prayers from our amazing family and friends.
(it's still hard not to be worried parents.)
*I would like to add that Jeff and I both are coming to terms with accepting everything and just trying to go with the flow. Madison is still very healthy, and we will be happy no matter how she decides to arrive in the world. We're appreciative of all the love and support and prayers from our amazing family and friends.
(it's still hard not to be worried parents.)
Amber, don't cause yourself more stress in thinking that this is your fault. Sometimes things like this just happen. The only thing you can do now is think happy, positive thoughts, and hope that maybe Madison will turn the right way; just keep loving your baby girl the same way you have been, and everything will turn out find in the end :)
ReplyDeleteAmber, I saw your link on FB and I just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you. I have been there... I felt that disappointment and guilt with both pregnancies, although much more so with my first (both c-sections). The truth is though, sometimes babies just don't turn, and there is nothing that can be done, and nor is it anyone's fault... especially not yours. Carefully laid plans and hopes get thrown out of the window, and it is a devastating time to be overflowing with pregnant hormones right then. But, know that you aren't alone. More importantly though, that guilt you are feeling is a sign that your maternal instincts are good: you want to do everything you can to make sure your baby is safe and healthy.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the guilt was part of the grieving process. With my first, I had to deal with it alone for months after delivery (*not* good). With my second I had a couple of days to let everything sink in and move on. You need to feel that guilt, it is natural and healthy, but allow yourself (along with Jeff) to work through the emotional stages to move you past it to prepare for the delivery.
If you do end up having a c-section, though, in my experience it is far easier to know about it before hand than to have it sprung on you at the last second. The experience itself is more enjoyable, and the recovery is infinitely better, and easier, which is really important for spending those first few days with your baby.
Good luck!
Hannah, Thanks so much for everything you said. This whole time I've fully understood that I have no reason to feel the way that I do, but I still can't seem to shake the feeling, and I really appreciated what you said. It really does feel like a grieving process for some reason, and I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. It feels so good to know that I'm not alone, and to have you articulate what I'm feeling is really comforting. Sincerely, thank you.
ReplyDeleteOh, Amber, my heart goes out to you! Elizabeth was an emergency C-section, but I was planning to go natural all the way. It is really hard to take in the disappointment, but you can push through it! Hannah is right to mention all those pregnancy hormones- every emotion we mommies feel is much more acute. I wasn't able to sort through my feelings of Elizabeth's delivery until she was almost 2 years old. Before she was born, we had been praying all week and I had received blessings from Chad so I couldn't understand what had gone wrong. But then later I realized that Heavenly Father was watching out for my little family, and that's why she and I are both alive and healthy now!
ReplyDeleteI know everyone is telling you not to stress or worry about all this, but that really doesn't work when you're pregnant. My advice would be to let yourself cry about it, but try not to despair. Your situation is far from hopeless. You guys are about to have a baby!!! Even when it's a C-section it is an amazing, wonderful, stupendous, spiritual, priceless (you get the idea) experience! I still cried when they showed me Elizabeth, and my heart grew a few sizes more than I thought possible. (That sappy quote you see that says, "I didn't know my heart was empty until you filled it"? Yeah, it's true.) I felt like I had waited my whole life to meet her. At that point, I didn't care how she came out.
I'll also add something that I had to do for the recovery- don't skip out on your pain meds. Keeping to the schedule for the medicine really was essential for me. However, you might be different! That was just my experience.
I really hope everything goes well. Heavenly Father loves your little family! I am so excited for you to meet your little girl! You are going to be a wonderful mother!
You never know when it's actually a blessing. My sister went into labor over 2 months early with her first child. The doctors did every thing they could to stop the baby from coming and none of it worked. Long story short, the fact that her son came early ended up saving his life. I'm sorry things are so rough right now and hope everything turns out for the best.
ReplyDeleteI came across this blog entry when I Googled "disappointment, breech pregnancy". I am googling those search terms at 230 in the morning because I am currently going through that process right now. It's somewhat comforting to know that there is at least one other woman who feels or rather felt the way that I do right now. I feel like I'm mourning a loss; a lost ability to even try for a vaginal delivery. I feel like it's my fault that the baby hasn't turned. My job is pretty stressful and I can't stop working now because we need my income. My husband is wonderful, but I don't think he fully understands how deep this hurt is. It's our first baby and the pregnancy already has not been a routine or problem-free one so this additional blow is maybe just too much. Any suggestions on how I can work through this? How did you get through it?
ReplyDeleteOh Anonymous, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Have you tried a Version to turn the baby? Those are about 50% sucessful.
ReplyDeleteFor myself, I had two versions done - and one was minutes before my c-section as a last-ditch effort at a vaginal delivery. Neither worked and for good reason, not only was my daughter a large baby (9lbs 20z), but they also discovered that I have a heart shaped uterus, meaning that the only way my daughter would ever have fit was in a breech position. Of course, knowing those things now make me feel better, and have removed the guilt that I felt previously, but I can assure that that before delivery I was a mess of emotion and guilt.
There were a few things I did that helped me get through it-
1. Talked with my doctors. A LOT. When you're feeling helpless like it sounds like you are now, it helped for me to take control of the situation and know all of my options. Once I had accepted that I would definitely be having a c-section, I decided that the C-section was going to be on my terms. There is a lot that you can request, including even asking to see the baby the SECOND that it is born, making the birth feel more like a vaginal one. Know your options and take control!
2. Make a list of the positive sides of c-sections! Obviously most women prefer vaginal deliveries, (and for good reason) but when it's no longer an option - why not sing the praises of the c-section? You have no pain whatsoever, and your baby arrives in about 5 minutes. Plus, you end up looking fabulous in all of the first family pictures (no sweaty hair and makeup running down your face!) Plus, most doctors will let you choose a CD of songs to have playing as you welcome your baby into the world. Another positive of a C-section: no vaginal tearing. That's a big one. And the stitches you get from the c-section are surprisingly small, and they heal surprisingly fast.
3. Mourn. I spent almost a week crying about having to have a c-section, but it wasn't until I could mourn what I had lost that I could move on and empower myself by taking control over the situation. I'll admit that I still have jealousy pangs hearing about my friends' natural vaginal births, but in the end, my daughter and I had the same special bond of any mother and baby.
I wish you nothing but the best, and hope you have a safe and special delivery! I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
Thank you for your reply. I am only responding now but saw your message to me very soon after you posted. Your words were truly helpful in getting me to come to terms with needing the c-section. I really tried to quit blaming myself and to take a little bit more control of the situation. It ended up that I couldn't even attempt a version because a)at my last ultrasound they suspected baby girl had two loops of cord around her neck and felt the version would be too risky and b) I went in to labor a few days before we had been planning on trying the flip anyway!! So our baby is here, healthy, and happy. Just like her momma. I just wanted to stop by and thank you. Your kind words were a real support and boost to me and I hope that one day I can pay it forward to another woman in need.
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